You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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