non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
