K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
