Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
