Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize