today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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