4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
