Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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