I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
