There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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