Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my shit smells like andre
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
