sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
