Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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