It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
