I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
