Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
