cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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