I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
