i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
im holly from the hills drunk
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
