dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
