At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
