a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
now i know why i became what i already was.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
