watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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