you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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