if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Barsexuality is the new black.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize