It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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