put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
