If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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