That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
