not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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