i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize