I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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