I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize