I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize