This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize