im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
