No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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