Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
