We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
