Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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