I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
