me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
