Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There's even glitter on my cock...
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