They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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