Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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