You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
