tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
