Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize