You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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