Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
