I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
