Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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