Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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