Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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