oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
