I'm pants shitting drunk right now
thus making me awesome and them whores
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
