do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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