dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
