this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
