I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
