I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
