The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
